Yep, I'm back

I realize I have taken a hiatus from blogging recently and I think it stems from self-preservation.  It seems the closer my surgery date gets, the more insecure I feel.  I have used every excuse not to blog and not to share my feelings because in my mind, “who wants to hear me sing the blues.”  Between tragedies our country has ensued, knowing other peoples defeats and losses, and striving to be the glue that holds everything together, I don’t want to show my own weaknesses.  However, four years ago today, I thought my world had ended when I had to say goodbye to my mom but I’m still here and kicking so today I’m going to feel my feelings and get real.

I have been my own cheerleader and advocate for my decision to have my breast removed for so many years now and as the date is nearing I want nothing more than to stop time.  I recently had to go for a final mammogram and ultrasound to make sure everything was normal before the big day.  As I sat waiting for my results (I waited 3 hours) the fear of “what if” flooded my mind and soul.  Waiting so long sent me into a panic of… “what if the doctor and radiologist are taking so long because they see cancer and they are scheduling an emergency surgery”, “ what if they are taking so long because they are trying to figure out the right way to tell me, Cara…you have cancer.”  Sitting there in my own fear makes clear to me the decision I have made is the right decision.  The good news is all my tests came out normal and I will be going into my surgery with a clean bill of health!  What sucks is I wish I had my mom. 

So many of my best friends and family have rallied around me supporting me and preparing me for the big day, but I would give anything to pick up the phone or sit with my mom and cry and say, “I know this is what is necessary but it’s not fair!”  I do feel like that only child right now that wants to throw a tantrum, kick, scream, and yell “I want my mom, damn it!” I think going into this surgery would be slightly easier if I had her here but I know because of her and all she has taught me I could not be making a better choice for my own life.

I have to admit, I am scared.  I’m not afraid of having surgery nor am I afraid of complications but I am scared of how my body will be changing.  It is the fear of the unknown and I can meet and talk with many women who have gone through similar procedures but this is my body and I am afraid of how I will feel and look when it is all said and done. 

I have tried to make light of the situation bringing both excitement and humor to my new breast.  I am engaged and looking forward to trying on styles of wedding dresses that may not have worked with my “old” breast.  I love the idea of being able to wear sleeveless and/or halter dresses and tops and not worry about wearing a bra!  I joke, being a teacher, I will have to go and get my expanders filled every two weeks and how my students are going to react about something “changing” with Ms. Coleman but not quite sure what it is.

Not blogging for so long makes me feel rusty right now.  I feel like my thoughts are all over the place today.  My purpose for blogging today was because of my mom’s death 4 years ago that I should “get back on the wagon” and what better day than today to begin.  Honestly, today, I’m just not into it.  I love you all and everyone who is reading this and supporting me.  As I sign off, I sign off with tears in my eyes.  My heart is sad but I know I’ll be okay. 

Music defines my life and in this moment “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac is running through my head

“Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone."

Prayerfully and hopefully I can fine tune my blogging again and share candidly my journey of “Pink Stinks.”