One of the best things that was told to me since going into
the hospital was from one of my techs when she said, “this is the end of a
chapter in your life, and now you can put that chapter behind you and start a
new one.” She then asked me what team I was on, and I responded, “Team Cara!”
The conversation was brought on because in that moment I was feeling frustrated
because I felt like I needed to be further along than I was. Ever since she
said that to me, I have held that as a mantra in my heart.
As most of you know I am a glass half full kind of girl. I
try to see the positive out of any situation to the annoyance of some people
sometimes. Being positive was how I was raised and as my mom would tell me, “it
is what it is, don’t be a victim.” However, since coming home the reality of
this journey has hit me like a ton of bricks.
***Random side note that has nothing to do with this, I had to take a
moment to eat two saltine crackers because I am feeling nauseous. Which
reminded me of when I was in the hospital and could not eat or drink (a few
days ago) and was extremely parched. They kept trying to feed me saltines,
which was completely moronic in my opinion because not only could I not swallow
anything, you are now forcing me to chew saw dust particles in my mouth…anyways
moving right along.*** I’ve had several
break downs, mostly to do with the frustration of feeling like I’m eighty years
old. I try to make a joke out of it with Ginny, but this is my reality right
now. My morning routine starts out with
a cup of apple sauce and a side of Colace (for those of you who do not know
what Colace is, it’s a stool softener. LOL) After about thirty minutes of
willing myself to get out of bed due to muscle soreness, I take the paper to
sit on the toilet for another 30 minutes, to no avail. After shuffling out of
the restroom, disappointed at the fact that I did not leave the kids at the
pool today, I ask Ginny to put on my robe and slippers, so we can take a walk
outside. As I slowly do the shuffle around the parking lot I become very tired
and in need of my 11AM nap. At around noon Ginny comes in, feeds me my pills,
and then I fall back asleep. Around 3:00 PM I decide it’s time for me to get up
and get dressed for the day. Having to sit down, reminding myself “only one leg
at a time,” I slowly begin to feel more human. Knowing that I will have to take
another round of meds, and completely aware of the fact my bathroom output is
less than desirable, Ginny fixes me lunch that consists of pudding, Metamucil
and prunes. And again we take a shuffle
around the parking lot. The best part of feeling like I’m eighty right now is
throughout the day I’m unaware of the fact that I pass gas, and question “who
farted??”
Although all of the above is true, I bank on the fact that this is just temporary, and as the Tech said this is a new chapter of my life. Who would have thought the most difficult part of a double mastectomy would not be the pain but feeling elderly! LoL
Although all of the above is true, I bank on the fact that this is just temporary, and as the Tech said this is a new chapter of my life. Who would have thought the most difficult part of a double mastectomy would not be the pain but feeling elderly! LoL
As a nurse I notice it is often not pain that stresses my patients. They are dealing with being out of their routines, the loss of what their bodies once did automatically, financial concerns, sleep deprivation, the change in their appearance, their frustration at their perceived slowness of healing... The list goes on and on. One step at a time and sometimes one minute at a time, dear Cara.
ReplyDeleteI was saying this morning that when I decided to have this surgery that I'm frustrated because I did not sign up for all these side effects. What has been the most baffling is my skin sensitivity to who knows what. It started on my underarms near my drains and when I went to the doc yesterday she thought it was from the adhesive used during surgery. She gave me a steroid cream and in 24 hours my "rash" of small red bumps have moved from my underarms to my back, hips, and top torso ;( I'm trying to stay positive though and like you said, take it a minute at a time!
ReplyDeleteYou're an amzingly strong person! This rash ain't hor nothing on you!!
ReplyDeleteDanielle! How great to hear from you and thank you for your well wishes!!! You are so sweet and you keep on rockin' bad self as a new mom :)
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