Are we there yet?

This week has seemed to be the most difficult week through this whole process.  Emotionally, spiritually, and physically I am doing well, but this hurry up and wait feeling is driving me up the wall.

Let me give you an analogy of what I am feeling, imagine being on this roller coaster and it is creeping up and up and up a huge incline.  You can hear the coaster slowly creep up the hill with its chug.  You sit there holding on and feel some butterflies over the whole experience because you know once you get to the top you’re going to drop but the unknown gives you some anxiety. 

I’ve made it to the very peak of the incline and now I am sitting…waiting.  As I wait, the anticipation grows more and more with each passing second.  You look and you know it is going to drop, but when?  How fast will it go?  What will I feel?  Because you have ridden other roller coasters in the past (though this one in particular is new) you know it will be okay but there is that fear of the unknown.  So you sit…and wait…and sit…and wait…

Boob Voyage! Ta-ta, Ta Tas!!

Boob Voyage!

“So long, farewell, Auf Wiedershen, adieu…”

I am not a fan of using to word “Epic” to describe how good something is so I’m not! J  But, last weekend my best friends threw me an out of this world Boob Voyage party to say deuces to my milkshakes (apparently I have slipped into my Ebonics), in other words, bye bye boobies!

Let me give you some background as to why this boob voyage party was so special to me.

My whole life I have never had a party.  Other than my best friend, Cindy, and my mom and dad coming over to have cake and open presents when I was little, I have never had a party for me.  My mom always wanted to throw me parties: birthday parties, sweet 16 party, 18^th party, high school graduation party and for some reason the idea of a party sent me into high anxiety mode and I simply would decline. 

My mom worked hard her entire life to provide the best for me and it did not come easy because she did not have a college degree.  It was extremely important to my mom that I go to college and get a degree, “get a degree in anything, just have that piece of paper” she would say, because she did not want me to struggle the way she did.  So, I went to college and worked very hard to do my best and loved every minute of it. 

Unfortunately, mom was diagnosed with cancer and progressively got sicker the closer I got to my graduation.  So many times I begged my mom to let me take time off of college so I could spend as much time as possible helping to care for her.  So many times my mom told me, “NO, Cara May Coleman, you WILL finish!”  And you know your mama means business when she uses your 3 names.  As difficult as it was, I continued and promised mom that I would finish.  Mom would joke, that nothing would stop her from seeing her little “Pickles” graduate even if that meant being rolled in a wheelchair attached to an oxygen tank to see me walk across that stage.  With her excitement of my impending graduation she pleaded with me to throw me a college graduation party.  I caved, it’s my mom, I couldn’t say no to her now!  Weeks before my graduation she had made plans for my closest friends and family to celebrate this momentous occasion in style at one of my favorite restaurants.  My graduation and the party she finally gets to throw me was all she could talk about.  However, there is a saying, “If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans.” 

The day I finished my student teaching and the last day of my college career I got a phone call from mom barely able to say two words between many shallow breaths saying how sorry she was because she was afraid, she “may not make it to my graduation.”  I quickly jumped in my car and rode down to Jacksonville to see the state mom was in.  Hospice had already been there and started mom on meds that made her so medicated she was in and out of lucidness.   I will never forget those last 48 hours.  I stayed by her side most of the night and one of the last conversations she had with me was how disappointed she was to not make it to my graduation and how I should still plan to have my party.  Always a mom, wanting the best for me J  The beauty of her death was myself and family were there to say our goodbyes.  She was medicated to the point of no communication but I know she knew I was there and then it happened…

As my family was saying their goodbyes, I was able to tell mom that I graduated.  She got to see me graduate!  It may have been in the unconventional way, but let’s face it, as mom would tell me, “I always march to the beat of my own drum.”   Though I did not “walk”, I worked my butt off to accomplish the most important goal in mom’s life for me, to get that piece of paper.

So, obviously the party changed from graduation to a celebration of life for the most beautiful and most inspirational mother and friend that has touched my soul.

Here I am now, ready to celebrate in a way that both honored mom’s desire and ironically is celebrating my life too!

I had my boob voyage party that donned everything from a booby cake, to booby cupcakes, to booby 7 layer dip.  It was in your face boobies and girls only, of course.  Cindy created the game “Pin the Boob on the Babe” where you had to wear these outrageous boob blind folds and pin the boob on my life size picture.  We had a dartboard adorned with an areola and nipple to shoot your darts at.  Booby candies, booby balloons, and even booby stress balls for those who felt the need to squeeze.  Cindy had made me a “treasure chest” bra that was pink with jewels that I had to wear over my clothes to greet all my guests with.  To top it all off (get it, get it!!  Top…off…LOL) my favorite part was Cindy had a table set up with mom’s picture sitting next to a jar where my guests could leave encouraging messages on cut out hearts for my journey.  As Cindy said, “My mom was the biggest part of this party.”

Since that Saturday, I have carried with me the positive feelings of love and encouragement over this past week.  This party was more than I could imagine and I know mom was a HUGE part of it.  She always wanted to throw me a party I would not forget and she finally got her wish!

  

To everyone who comes face to face with a challenge, know you are not alone!

"My life is my message." - Gandhi

Ok, I'll Take Some Credit :)

My whole purpose for starting this blog was to get my story of being a “previvor” out there.  My goal was to share with people the importance of being proactive about breast health and taking your own life into your hands.  I prayed that sharing my journey from making the choice to having a double mastectomy to getting reconstructive surgery at 30 years old would help someone that is going through a similar situation have an easier time of making this life saving decision.  However, I never thought that my blog would inspire the great actress Angelina Jolie!  Brush my shoulders off, I love that my story encouraged her to get the BRCA test done and decide to have the mastectomy after finding out she was BRCA I positive.  You go girl…and don’t be shy about giving me a little credit with the decision you made!

I have always been upfront with my choice to have my breasts removed.  When the topic comes up in conversation (because mastectomies are the main topic of conversation at the water cooler) I proudly share my decision.  Most of the time I get the same responses, “Wow, you are so young.”  My thought to that, I always lose when I gamble so why play the odds now!  Or, “I don’t think I could do what you are doing, you are so brave!”  Bravery is an interesting trait to me.  At 16 I came close to losing my right foot in a car accident, at 20 I came close to losing my life to anorexia, at 26 I buried my mother, and I balanced all that either while being a full time student, having a full time career, or both.  I have done nothing more or less than I believe anyone else would do when faced with trials in their life.  You pick yourself up by the bootstraps and move forward.  I truly believe I am no braver than any one person on this earth because we all have times when we are faced with a difficult hurdle and somehow we all get through it.  Call it bravery, I call it faith!

It has been so humbling at the out pouring of responses I have received from friends, co-workers, family, and people I hardly know coming up to me and saying, “I thought about you, did you hear about Angelina Jolie?”  I love it!  I love it because it shows me my journey with this blog and my decision to have my breasts removed before I am diagnosed with cancer is being heard.  It shows me how loved and supported I am!  What an incredible feeling!

As I go through the emotions I am sharing them with you.  This week has been very difficult for me as far as mourning the idea of losing my breasts.  But, I have gladly accepted that feeling (is that an oxymoron…I gladly accept mourning…LOL) because it is only natural.  Seeing the outpour of love from my friends and family with the news of Angelina Jolie has refueled my soul to continue to share with you my life!

I love you all!

Mom's life lessons, Happy Mother's Day!

Considering the fact that today is Mother’s Day and my blog is entitled “Mom’s Life Lessons” I thought I would take some time to share the lessons of life my mom left behind.  I love you, Ma!

1.       Number one and one of the BEST pieces of advice my mom ever gave me (because it is OH, so true): “Where there is a ball there is a boy.”  When I was learning how to drive she taught me that if a ball rolls out in the road inevitably a boy will be running behind it!  “Go ahead and break to stop otherwise you will end up running over a child and that makes for a bad day” she would tell me.  That lesson has saved the lives of many youngsters!  Thank you, ma J

2.       “Keep up with your I love yous.”  You never know when the last time may be to say, I love you.

3.       “When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.”  As far as I am concerned, lemonade is good one of two ways either on hot summer days only or mixed in with vodka!  So, that leaves the question, what do I do if it’s cold and I have no alcohol????  Damn…I never got to ask her that (I welcome suggestions!)

4.       “Love is a choice.”  This was something she felt very strongly about and tried to instill in myself and my siblings.  In fact this lesson was so important to her it was shared at her memorial.  She believed that life will have its ups and downs and in the moments that bring great despair, trials, and tribulations you must choose to love that person unconditionally.  I appreciate this lesson and honestly it’s difficult for me sometimes to wrap my head around.  However, I know that when communication falters or someone does something that shakes my faith in them then I have to make the choice to love them no matter what.  I feel like this belief parallels the love that God has for all of us because we will disappoint him, we will disregard him, but he chooses to love us no matter what.

5.       “Know where all your buttons and knobs are in the car so you don’t have to take your eyes off the road.”  Obviously, she had a concern for my safety while driving but this has come in handy.  I can flip through all my radio stations in the car and never look down!

6.       “It’s okay to show your emotions, it shows people it is okay to be venerable.”  I love this lesson and I work hard to follow it.  I have a huge difficulty letting down my walls and feeling my feelings for other people to see.  When someone asks me how I am doing, if I am not doing well my go to response is, “I’m fine.”  I have learned (thanks to my therapist…sorry ma) that fine stands for: Fucked up, Insane, Neurotic, and Emotional!  That about sums up feelings I try to bottle up.  But, mom is right; people need to see emotion because it shows a healthy balance of life.  Who is happy all the time??  With that being said, a co-worker asked me last week how I was feeling about my upcoming surgery and instead of the “I’m fine” statement, I shared with her my feelings of being melancholy and strangely enough that I am having body image issues of which I have not had in a looonnnggg time.

7.       “Be your own advocate.”  She felt this is especially true in the medical world because doctors/people often look out for their best interest not yours.  My thoughts…. “Be you own advocate” okay, I AM AWESOME just because, nuf said!

8.       “When you go slow, you go faster.”  This is a mantra I work at when I am feeling overwhelmed.  This was one of her sayings and it is so true if you think about it. 

9.       “Don’t be a victim.”  I know Ginny’s dad has said this to her too, but it is so annoying!  When you are in the “woe is me” moment the last thing I want to hear is my mother saying, “Now Cara, don’t be a victim. Do something to change the situation or get off your pity pot.”  Though I roll my eyes and get aggravated at this statement, the ironic part is that I use the same statement to my students, to Ginny, to my friends!  Go figure!

10.   “You are Beautiful!”  I’ll leave this life lesson for you J

 

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma!  I love you and thank you for all you have taught me.  May you be the stone thrown into the water that ripples out and teaches, touches the lives of many people!