Something that is not easy to talk about

I have made my decision (at least for today…lol) what type of reconstruction is best for my body.  Here is how I am going to pull you in, though; you have to read the explanation of how I came to my decision before I will tell you!

Standing in my bathroom getting ready to go out tonight I realized how far I have come.  What you may not know about me is I was diagnosed with anorexia in fall 2003.  I was a very happy (or so I thought) Georgia Southern Eagle.  I loved GSU and who I became after leaving high school.  I finally came into my own my freshman year at college.  I made so many new friends and one who is my best friend today, Amy.  I had fun, I was free, and I found that I was able to succeed in school.  Somehow, I learned I can party and have fun as well as study and make straight A’s.  Freshman year was incredible!

As I began my second year of college I got very involved with the Wesley Foundation and the Methodist church in Statesboro.  Part of my testimony is explaining I grew up in a spiritual household but it was not until college that I began learning and practicing religion.  The Wesley Foundation introduced me to people who shared so many of my interests in music and the great outdoors but they also were able to teach me about God and the Bible.  I hooked up with a great group of girls that were so much like me and they encouraged me to get involved in a running ministry that they were starting.  I did, and again, I found a new interest that is still a love of mine today…running.  We would get up at 5 am and run while fellowshipping.  Mind you, when I started this running thing I was not fit at all.  In fact, the freshman 15 crept up on me the year before but I was not concerned about it.  However, what I found exciting was as I continued to run, I began to lose weight and inches.  People were noticing my body transformation and giving me positive feedback.  I loved it!  GSU…I have never felt more on cloud 9 in my life.  I am making straight A’s and on the Dean’s list, I am growing deeper in my faith and relationship with God and people who share that desire with me, and I am looking better than ever!

As life has it, one thing led to another and by my third year at GSU I was deep in my anorexia.  I had no idea; I thought I was being “healthy”.  Ironic how my “healthy” was being able to disconnect so much from my body and reality, that I could sit in front of the TV watching the food network and convince myself the green beans I have smothered in ketchup really are the French fries that are being cooked on Rachel Ray.  Somewhere along the lines, I lost control of being healthy and became obsessed with body image and perfection.

My anorexia got so bad (though I still was not convinced) when I went to the student health center for a checkup the doctor immediately asked me if I eat.  My thought, “Duh, freak, what weirdo doesn’t eat!”  My half a packet of oatmeal in the morning, the other half at lunch, and my ketchup green beans is a balanced lunch”.  Obviously this is my honest sarcasm now, I can laugh about it.  But the truth is my body was shutting down, GSU asked me to leave because I was so emaciated, and I felt like the world was against me.  My mom and dad tried to convince me to get help but to me I had no problem (no problem at all except I could not pull myself away from the mirror or the scale because I was that obsessed with my body and weight.)

Proudly, I can say I have been out of treatment and healthy for 9 years.  When I finally did come home and mom, dad, and Paul begged me to go into the hospital it took me 6 months of inpatient treatment to be discharged.  I struggled with my eating after being discharged from the hospital and often found myself falling back into old anorexic habits.  Then 6 months after my discharge, mom was diagnosed with cancer.  I’ll never forget Paul telling me (directly),” this sickness is no longer about you anymore; this is about your mother.”  He told me when a person is sick life tends to revolve around them and how they are doing, ect.  My time now needs to be spent taking care of my mom.  Funny, years later, my bff, Cindy, believes that my mom’s diagnosed indirectly is related to my physical and mental healing.  I think she is right.  I let go of all my issues that were in my anorexia and focused on my mom.

That brings me to today.  As I am getting ready to go out and celebrate a friend’s birthday in Atlanta, I am putting on a pair of jeans that show my badonkadonk (that is butt in A-town language) which looks damn good.  Big, round, and I am proud of it!  I love my curves.  I love my body.  All of my perfect imperfections were given to me by my mom, my grandma, my great grandma.  What an amazing gift from the women in my family.  I have a women’s body and that includes all my jiggles, divits, dimples, and bumps!  What a long way I have come to be able to say, I don’t want to change what God gave me (and my mama).  Inevitably, I have to change the girls a little bit but why mess with the rest.  Honey, as Sir Mix-A-Lot says, “Baby Got Back” and I am proud of it.

So, the anticipation has come and you are wondering what I am going to do.  My girls will be donned with implants, silicone gel implants.