Are we there yet, How 'bout now?

It’s such an interesting concept the idea of patience.  I think it’s safe to say we struggle with it from time to time but the question is, what really is patience?  Is it something that truly is obtainable or is it like a dog or cat trying to chase its tail to no avail. 

Many of us would like to think we have patience and I know from personal experience I have to consciously except this as a verb or action I work to achieve on a daily basis.  But without sounding like too much of a negative Nancy, I am starting to believe patience is one of the hardest actions or ideas to achieve.

After looking up several definitions of the word here is what I have come up with as a meaning:

1.  The quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like. (dictionary.com)
2.  Able to remain calm and not become annoyed when waiting for a long time or when dealing with problems or difficult people (OED)
3. My favorite definition from my best friend, Cindy’s, 7 year old son, Preston, “Being able to wait in line without getting mad.”  When asked if he could do that he triumphantly said, “NO!”

I actually started this blog on November 10^th because at the time I knew I had my 2^nd surgery scheduled but it seemed so far away.  The level of how uncomfortable I am with my expanders is beyond explanation.  Almost a month ago when I began this blog, I felt there was no way I would be patient enough to wait for my exchange surgery.  It seemed with each passing day patients became harder, my level of pain became more intense, and finishing this blog was more irritating than cathartic.

But, the time has come!  I have made it and somehow I was able to “wait in that line” to get to where I am at today (not without some tears and the occasional bitchiness I blame on these life-saving yet pain in the ass expanders).  This time tomorrow I will be getting my new, real, fake boobs (as I like to call them) and I am on cloud 9!  I am sure the recovery period will have its own hurdles but I cannot wait to get back to my normal.

To patience, I say, I have obtained!  It truly is not out of reach even though it seemed more like a mirage at times.   For me, this is the best Christmas present!

“Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.” - Jean-Jacques Rousseau

I've got my wings, now what?

Today marks my last day at physical therapy and a closing of a chapter.  It is kind of bittersweet because I have not liked having to go to PT yet as I said, goodbye to everyone, my eyes began to tear up.  This summer has been full of ups and downs from my surgery.  I have had the strangest of side effects including developing a cord on the left side of my body.  This cord known as Mondor’s Cord or Auxiliary Web Syndrome developed because my lymphatic system basically “froze” up and shut down in certain areas.  It was very painful and not pretty to look at and the only relief for it was going to a PT.  I have worked my butt off trying to get back to “normal” and now normal is knocking at the door.

I have learned to fully depend on my healthcare providers and without fail they have all been here for me.  But I suppose with every caterpillar, a butterfly will form and in time fly away.  I have my wings, I know what to do, and I feel confident, but I am nervous.  This chapter, the biggest hurdle of them all is coming to a close.  At points it feels like just yesterday I was going in to pre-op for my mastectomy and the nurse was giving me some hella good “goofy” juice to take the edge off.  And, at points, it seems like a distant memory of the challenges I have had to overcome.

My reconstruction is not over but I am done having my expanders filled.  My breasts are a good size for me and they are even (praise Jesus they are even, I felt like a deflated helium balloon for the longest time).  I have my second surgery scheduled for December 11, 2013 to remove my expanders and exchange them with my actual implants.  I am so looking forward to that because what I have now feels and looks like I have bricks on my chest.  Until then, I am done.  My normal will start when I go back to school next week and I am looking forward to that.  Again, as bittersweet as it is to say goodbye to one thing, I am looking forward to saying hello to another.

The Eagles say it best!

When I was 16 I was in a single car accident that changed my life.  I was the front seat passenger and sustained injuries that at the time had doctors telling me I would struggle with pain and difficulty running and flexing my foot possibly for the rest of my life.  My life did change that day and even in the present I struggle with PTSD however I have overcome tremendously the physical limitations the doctors originally set on me.  

I remember feeling lower than low after my accident and crying to my mom, asking why?  My mom, like me, loved music and often paralleled life events with songs.  I’ll never forget when she said, The Eagles say it best when they sing, “In a New York minute, everything can change.”

If you think about it, that lyric is so true.  Weather something has happened either good or bad, we’ve all experienced that “New York Minute” where everything did change.  I know for myself when my life seems to take a complete 180 I have to work on creating my new normal.

So what is my new normal today?  Right now, with my new body, my temporary physical limitations, and round the clock non-stop doctor’s appointments figuring out my new normal is slightly overwhelming.  I wish there was a book I could read that would give me the answers to all the running questions in my head.  

My head, “What do I do when I go back to work?  When can I run, hike…even walk up the stairs without getting winded again?  Will I ever be able to sleep on my side comfortably again?  How soon after all my expander fills will I be able to have my exchange surgery for my permanent implants?  Will I have to be stupid octopus again?.....”  Are you tired yet, because my grand central head exhausts me!

With all that is new, I inevitably have my ups and downs.  I work to stay positive and continue to share my story with anyone that wants to hear it.  Although my New York minute has changed my life, I realize this one is positive.  I have my life, everything did change, I changed my future and took the game of playing Russian roulette with breast cancer into my own hands.  Everyday there is a new challenge that gets introduced to me but with all the support I have I know my new normal is going to be all good!

Movin' on up!

Today, I am happy to say, I had my 3 week checkup and I am doing great!  I have had such a good day today and I could not be any happier.  3 weeks ago, I woke up at Northside Hospital in pain, groggy, stitched up horizontally across each breast, and with 4 Jackson Pratt drains (J-P drains) attached under my armpits with 2 on each side.  3 weeks ago today, I could not get myself up out of my own bed to move from one place to another and 3 weeks ago today I was unsure as to how long it would take to begin feeling more like myself.

Today, I feel like myself!  Praises and thanks to everyone who has given me prayers and love and encouragement throughout.  

3 weeks has come with some hiccups for sure.  Allergic reactions, and rashes, and stiff necks, oh my!  But, one thing is for sure, I have cried (more than I expected), I have laughed, I have gotten use to a metamorphic me, but I have not given up and I realize, I am a hell of a lot stronger than I would have expected.  

But here is the greatest thing of all, my drains are out, my drains are out, my drains are out (insert happy dance)!  For those that are unfamiliar with J-P drains there are no better words to describe them other than they S-U-C-K!  Yes, this is coming from an English teacher.  These drains are great for their purpose which is to pull excess fluid away from the surgical site to prevent infection and abscesses but they are the pits, no pun intended.  I felt like an octopus for 21 long days with these grenade-looking appendages coming out from my armpits.  Not only did I have these lovely extra attachments that openly showed all the draining fluid to anyone that walked by but I could not shave or wear deodorant while they were in.  When I was talking to my plastic surgeon before my surgery about what to expect never did she say, “Cara, you are going to have to walk around in 91 degree heat embracing your French heritage.  You not only get to sport hairy arm pits and smell oh, so, organic, but you get to wear a long sleeved shirt out in public so not to offend the “average” man with your fluid-filled grenades.”  Seriously, not that her telling me this would have been a make it or brake it for having my breasts removed but a warning would have been nice J  Most people have their drains out by two weeks but my mom always said, I liked to march to the beat of my own drum, so 21 days it was.  I was beginning to joke, if these did not come out soon, I was going either have to buy gauge earrings to place in the now permanent holes or change my tax information with from 0 dependents to 2 dependents (I mean they were sucking me dry)!  Okay, enough of the griping of my drains because they are gone!!!!

Overall, though, I am surprised at how good I feel.  I was able to get dressed up for the first time on Friday and meet a long time friend, Sean, at a restaurant he manages called the Atlanta Fish Market.  It was so nice to be able to go buy a new dress, put on some makeup, have Ginny do my hair (I still have trouble reaching up), and feel “normal” again.  Going out still wears me out and I cannot imagine how I would do this if I did not have summer break but I feel good.  I am even happy with what I see in the mirror.  My body has changed quite a bit but I am proud of it.  My breasts have a long way to go but the growing pains are manageable.  Life is good.

                                            My extra appendage that I had become less than fond of.

                                   Armed for battle! Had to hook my "grenades" onto a belt :)

                    As Garth Brooks sings, "IIIII'M drain-less!" I think that's how the song goes ;)
                                                                       Free at last!!!

My first outing (before my drains were gone)!! :) If you look closely you may see some tiny mounds!

Me and G at the Atlanta Fish Market

                                 G, myself and Sean.  Thank you Sean for making me feel like a queen!
                                          

Applesauce please, with a glass of fiber!

One of the best things that was told to me since going into the hospital was from one of my techs when she said, “this is the end of a chapter in your life, and now you can put that chapter behind you and start a new one.” She then asked me what team I was on, and I responded, “Team Cara!” The conversation was brought on because in that moment I was feeling frustrated because I felt like I needed to be further along than I was. Ever since she said that to me, I have held that as a mantra in my heart.

As most of you know I am a glass half full kind of girl. I try to see the positive out of any situation to the annoyance of some people sometimes. Being positive was how I was raised and as my mom would tell me, “it is what it is, don’t be a victim.” However, since coming home the reality of this journey has hit me like a ton of bricks.  ***Random side note that has nothing to do with this, I had to take a moment to eat two saltine crackers because I am feeling nauseous. Which reminded me of when I was in the hospital and could not eat or drink (a few days ago) and was extremely parched. They kept trying to feed me saltines, which was completely moronic in my opinion because not only could I not swallow anything, you are now forcing me to chew saw dust particles in my mouth…anyways moving right along.***  I’ve had several break downs, mostly to do with the frustration of feeling like I’m eighty years old. I try to make a joke out of it with Ginny, but this is my reality right now.  My morning routine starts out with a cup of apple sauce and a side of Colace (for those of you who do not know what Colace is, it’s a stool softener. LOL) After about thirty minutes of willing myself to get out of bed due to muscle soreness, I take the paper to sit on the toilet for another 30 minutes, to no avail. After shuffling out of the restroom, disappointed at the fact that I did not leave the kids at the pool today, I ask Ginny to put on my robe and slippers, so we can take a walk outside. As I slowly do the shuffle around the parking lot I become very tired and in need of my 11AM nap. At around noon Ginny comes in, feeds me my pills, and then I fall back asleep. Around 3:00 PM I decide it’s time for me to get up and get dressed for the day. Having to sit down, reminding myself “only one leg at a time,” I slowly begin to feel more human. Knowing that I will have to take another round of meds, and completely aware of the fact my bathroom output is less than desirable, Ginny fixes me lunch that consists of pudding, Metamucil and prunes.  And again we take a shuffle around the parking lot. The best part of feeling like I’m eighty right now is throughout the day I’m unaware of the fact that I pass gas, and question “who farted??”

Although all of the above is true, I bank on the fact that this is just temporary, and as the Tech said this is a new chapter of my life. Who would have thought  the most difficult part of a double mastectomy would not be the pain but feeling elderly! LoL