Nicely put, Mr. Frost, nicely put.

It sure has been awhile since my last blog! 

I could use the excuse of, oh how the holidays have been so busy I’ve had no time to blog, but the truth is I have not wanted to.  Let me explain, have you ever been in a situation where you know if you do something specific it will make you feel better but the motivation to actually do it and knowing it may not feel good at first takes precedence therefore you don’t do it at all?

In layman’s terms…I have been told when you are feeling depressed the best thing to do is exercise, get out and walk or do some yoga!  Bah Humbug!  I know that is what “should” happen but I prefer to sit on my couch, feel sorry for myself, and eat!  Now…I know, some people can relate to that!

Anyways, for the past two weeks I have been feeling very overwhelmed and depressed about my upcoming surgery.  The thought of making the decision on which surgery is best for my body and my future and then making the decision as to who is the best surgeon to do the reconstruction has thrown me in a tizzy.  I have been an emotional wreck!  If not getting irritated and angry over the silliest of things (my hair not styling the way I want it to so I start crying and refuse to leave the house…yes ladies I know you feel my pain) then to begin crying crocodile tears out of the blue which are streaming down my cheeks while driving and not knowing why.  I believe my emotional neuroticism has to do with a few things: one, it being the holiday season and two having my first face to face consultation with a reconstructive surgeon on Christmas Eve.   On top of both these things the need for my mom and knowing she is not here.  It sucks!  I have all the support in the world from the best partner, family, and friends I could ask for but sometimes a girl needs her mom.  I am not one to feel sorry for myself a lot let alone share it with the world so to put that out there is quite humbling.

Here is the long and short so far with what has been going on.  I had an online consultation with NOLA the hospital in New Orleans for the flap reconstruction.  After having to take photos of my body uncovered and send them my glamor shots, they critiqued the “fattiest” place on my body and determined my hips would be the best place for a donor site to reconstruct my breast.  Between you and me though, it might have been to my benefit to send the pictures after the Christmas holiday considering I have eaten my weight in food!

My second consultation that took place on 12/24 was with a surgeon who comes highly recommended in the North Georgia area.  He was great with a very nice bedside manner.  This particular consult was if I choose to get implants for breast.  I would have approximately a 5 hour initial surgery where the double mastectomy would take place and then placement of expanders would be put under my major peck muscle to begin the process of new breast.  After surgery, I would have the expanders filled to my desired size and then the surgeon would place implants in a final surgery.  He and I discussed whether silicon or saline would be best and we both feel gel silicon would work for me.  Here is one interesting thing I learned about having implants put in (I wonder if this is true for women who get augmentations as well) my new breast would be more round shaped as opposed to tear dropped shaped resulting in not being able to fit in a “normal” bra.  How strange, who knew bras were made for cone shaped boobs.  I guess Madonna had the right idea in the 80’s!

The one disappointing part in my face to face consultation was I was hoping to walk away knowing which reconstruction I want, the flap where I have my own tissue and more natural breast or the implants that is less invasive and easier to heal from.

I continue to pray every day that it becomes clear to me which decision to make.  I also am so grateful that I have this time to make a decision and not having to be thrown into it because I have been informed I have cancer.  I know when I do decide I will make the right choice.  I have faith that God will make clear which road to travel.

With all this being said, I can’t help but be left with Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken” in my heart:

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost