Happy 1 year, do I get a smash cake?!!?

My mom use to tell me that it takes a year...4 seasons to feel the effects of change.  Well, it has been 4 full seasons, one whole year since I chose to have my mastectomy, and my mom was right, there has been some definite changes!

                I woke up this time last year not sure what the future of mastectomy and reconstruction would hold, but I trusted my decision would be the best thing I could do for myself and my family.  This year has had its ups and downs with my recovery. However, it has proven to me that my body, mind, and spirit are able to withstand the toughest of trials.  I had to overcome several physical drawbacks and I have had to learn how to accept my body in its new metamorphosis.  To share very candidly, it is surprising  how long it has taken me to fully feel comfortable with my body.  Don’t get me wrong, I love that I can wear strapless dresses and tanks that never fit quite right before, but getting use to the lack of feeling and some new beauty marks has taken time.

                But through the trials and tribulations, the tears, and the pain, I have accomplished more in this year than I ever thought possible.  Since having my surgery and while going through reconstructions and more surgeries, I was able to look at life a little differently.  I once told myself, “I will have my mastectomy when I am with someone who will love me unconditionally.”  What I have learned is, life is precious and one should live every moment for each blessing.  Life is not defined by pre or post surgeries or pre-cancer or post-cancer, life is defined by the memories we make.  Metaphorically speaking, life is that dash which will one day be on my tombstone between my birth date and death date.

                So, in this year I have chosen to build my memories.  During reconstruction, Ginny and I decided it was the perfect time to begin looking for our future home.  Without much stress and through a lot of prayer, we were able to purchase and move into our first home!  In this year, I worked diligently to provide my students and colleagues my best with teaching and was humbly grateful when I was nominated and voted teacher of the month.  Within this year, my friend, Carrie has inspired me to get back into shape and begin doing what I love and that is running and physical exercise.  I have been thrilled seeing the small changes in strength by doing something as difficult (b/c it’s not easy after a mastectomy) as pushups.  Finally, within this year I have made the choice to go back to school and am now proudly a graduate student getting my degree in school counseling!  

        

                The latter part of my accomplishments is near to my heart.  I have mentioned in a previous blog, sadly my mom never saw me walk across the stage to receive my diploma in college.  She told me her goal was to live long enough to see me walk across that stage.  Unfortunately, she passed away from breast cancer 3 days before I was supposed to walk.  On her last breath, I told her I loved her and accomplished what she wanted for me, "to get that piece of paper".  Now, I am going a step further and I want nothing more than to walk across that stage so my mom can look down from Heaven and see me receive my diploma.

                I have my one year appointment tomorrow with the surgeon, and I am excited to see what she has to say.  In all honesty, there is a little more work to be done, but I am in no rush.  I have been given back time, and all the other “stuff” will come when I feel like it!

Are we there yet, How 'bout now?

It’s such an interesting concept the idea of patience.  I think it’s safe to say we struggle with it from time to time but the question is, what really is patience?  Is it something that truly is obtainable or is it like a dog or cat trying to chase its tail to no avail. 

Many of us would like to think we have patience and I know from personal experience I have to consciously except this as a verb or action I work to achieve on a daily basis.  But without sounding like too much of a negative Nancy, I am starting to believe patience is one of the hardest actions or ideas to achieve.

After looking up several definitions of the word here is what I have come up with as a meaning:

1.  The quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like. (dictionary.com)
2.  Able to remain calm and not become annoyed when waiting for a long time or when dealing with problems or difficult people (OED)
3. My favorite definition from my best friend, Cindy’s, 7 year old son, Preston, “Being able to wait in line without getting mad.”  When asked if he could do that he triumphantly said, “NO!”

I actually started this blog on November 10^th because at the time I knew I had my 2^nd surgery scheduled but it seemed so far away.  The level of how uncomfortable I am with my expanders is beyond explanation.  Almost a month ago when I began this blog, I felt there was no way I would be patient enough to wait for my exchange surgery.  It seemed with each passing day patients became harder, my level of pain became more intense, and finishing this blog was more irritating than cathartic.

But, the time has come!  I have made it and somehow I was able to “wait in that line” to get to where I am at today (not without some tears and the occasional bitchiness I blame on these life-saving yet pain in the ass expanders).  This time tomorrow I will be getting my new, real, fake boobs (as I like to call them) and I am on cloud 9!  I am sure the recovery period will have its own hurdles but I cannot wait to get back to my normal.

To patience, I say, I have obtained!  It truly is not out of reach even though it seemed more like a mirage at times.   For me, this is the best Christmas present!

“Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.” - Jean-Jacques Rousseau

I've got my wings, now what?

Today marks my last day at physical therapy and a closing of a chapter.  It is kind of bittersweet because I have not liked having to go to PT yet as I said, goodbye to everyone, my eyes began to tear up.  This summer has been full of ups and downs from my surgery.  I have had the strangest of side effects including developing a cord on the left side of my body.  This cord known as Mondor’s Cord or Auxiliary Web Syndrome developed because my lymphatic system basically “froze” up and shut down in certain areas.  It was very painful and not pretty to look at and the only relief for it was going to a PT.  I have worked my butt off trying to get back to “normal” and now normal is knocking at the door.

I have learned to fully depend on my healthcare providers and without fail they have all been here for me.  But I suppose with every caterpillar, a butterfly will form and in time fly away.  I have my wings, I know what to do, and I feel confident, but I am nervous.  This chapter, the biggest hurdle of them all is coming to a close.  At points it feels like just yesterday I was going in to pre-op for my mastectomy and the nurse was giving me some hella good “goofy” juice to take the edge off.  And, at points, it seems like a distant memory of the challenges I have had to overcome.

My reconstruction is not over but I am done having my expanders filled.  My breasts are a good size for me and they are even (praise Jesus they are even, I felt like a deflated helium balloon for the longest time).  I have my second surgery scheduled for December 11, 2013 to remove my expanders and exchange them with my actual implants.  I am so looking forward to that because what I have now feels and looks like I have bricks on my chest.  Until then, I am done.  My normal will start when I go back to school next week and I am looking forward to that.  Again, as bittersweet as it is to say goodbye to one thing, I am looking forward to saying hello to another.

The Eagles say it best!

When I was 16 I was in a single car accident that changed my life.  I was the front seat passenger and sustained injuries that at the time had doctors telling me I would struggle with pain and difficulty running and flexing my foot possibly for the rest of my life.  My life did change that day and even in the present I struggle with PTSD however I have overcome tremendously the physical limitations the doctors originally set on me.  

I remember feeling lower than low after my accident and crying to my mom, asking why?  My mom, like me, loved music and often paralleled life events with songs.  I’ll never forget when she said, The Eagles say it best when they sing, “In a New York minute, everything can change.”

If you think about it, that lyric is so true.  Weather something has happened either good or bad, we’ve all experienced that “New York Minute” where everything did change.  I know for myself when my life seems to take a complete 180 I have to work on creating my new normal.

So what is my new normal today?  Right now, with my new body, my temporary physical limitations, and round the clock non-stop doctor’s appointments figuring out my new normal is slightly overwhelming.  I wish there was a book I could read that would give me the answers to all the running questions in my head.  

My head, “What do I do when I go back to work?  When can I run, hike…even walk up the stairs without getting winded again?  Will I ever be able to sleep on my side comfortably again?  How soon after all my expander fills will I be able to have my exchange surgery for my permanent implants?  Will I have to be stupid octopus again?.....”  Are you tired yet, because my grand central head exhausts me!

With all that is new, I inevitably have my ups and downs.  I work to stay positive and continue to share my story with anyone that wants to hear it.  Although my New York minute has changed my life, I realize this one is positive.  I have my life, everything did change, I changed my future and took the game of playing Russian roulette with breast cancer into my own hands.  Everyday there is a new challenge that gets introduced to me but with all the support I have I know my new normal is going to be all good!

Movin' on up!

Today, I am happy to say, I had my 3 week checkup and I am doing great!  I have had such a good day today and I could not be any happier.  3 weeks ago, I woke up at Northside Hospital in pain, groggy, stitched up horizontally across each breast, and with 4 Jackson Pratt drains (J-P drains) attached under my armpits with 2 on each side.  3 weeks ago today, I could not get myself up out of my own bed to move from one place to another and 3 weeks ago today I was unsure as to how long it would take to begin feeling more like myself.

Today, I feel like myself!  Praises and thanks to everyone who has given me prayers and love and encouragement throughout.  

3 weeks has come with some hiccups for sure.  Allergic reactions, and rashes, and stiff necks, oh my!  But, one thing is for sure, I have cried (more than I expected), I have laughed, I have gotten use to a metamorphic me, but I have not given up and I realize, I am a hell of a lot stronger than I would have expected.  

But here is the greatest thing of all, my drains are out, my drains are out, my drains are out (insert happy dance)!  For those that are unfamiliar with J-P drains there are no better words to describe them other than they S-U-C-K!  Yes, this is coming from an English teacher.  These drains are great for their purpose which is to pull excess fluid away from the surgical site to prevent infection and abscesses but they are the pits, no pun intended.  I felt like an octopus for 21 long days with these grenade-looking appendages coming out from my armpits.  Not only did I have these lovely extra attachments that openly showed all the draining fluid to anyone that walked by but I could not shave or wear deodorant while they were in.  When I was talking to my plastic surgeon before my surgery about what to expect never did she say, “Cara, you are going to have to walk around in 91 degree heat embracing your French heritage.  You not only get to sport hairy arm pits and smell oh, so, organic, but you get to wear a long sleeved shirt out in public so not to offend the “average” man with your fluid-filled grenades.”  Seriously, not that her telling me this would have been a make it or brake it for having my breasts removed but a warning would have been nice J  Most people have their drains out by two weeks but my mom always said, I liked to march to the beat of my own drum, so 21 days it was.  I was beginning to joke, if these did not come out soon, I was going either have to buy gauge earrings to place in the now permanent holes or change my tax information with from 0 dependents to 2 dependents (I mean they were sucking me dry)!  Okay, enough of the griping of my drains because they are gone!!!!

Overall, though, I am surprised at how good I feel.  I was able to get dressed up for the first time on Friday and meet a long time friend, Sean, at a restaurant he manages called the Atlanta Fish Market.  It was so nice to be able to go buy a new dress, put on some makeup, have Ginny do my hair (I still have trouble reaching up), and feel “normal” again.  Going out still wears me out and I cannot imagine how I would do this if I did not have summer break but I feel good.  I am even happy with what I see in the mirror.  My body has changed quite a bit but I am proud of it.  My breasts have a long way to go but the growing pains are manageable.  Life is good.

                                            My extra appendage that I had become less than fond of.

                                   Armed for battle! Had to hook my "grenades" onto a belt :)

                    As Garth Brooks sings, "IIIII'M drain-less!" I think that's how the song goes ;)
                                                                       Free at last!!!

My first outing (before my drains were gone)!! :) If you look closely you may see some tiny mounds!

Me and G at the Atlanta Fish Market

                                 G, myself and Sean.  Thank you Sean for making me feel like a queen!